If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you might have read about the movie I consider to be the greatest movie ever (which I have still not managed to watch), simply because of the title and the DVD cover: that movie being of course, Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus.

Well, there is also another movie out there in the wilderness of crappy B-grade movies that features a large shark that is infamous across the internet because of it's cheesy special effects. And when I mean cheesy, I mean fucking cheesy! Take a look:

What I find remarkable about Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is the fact that I spotted John Barrowman as the lead character, Ben. For those that might not know who John Barrowman is, he is the actor that portrays Captain Jack Harkness on both Doctor Who and Torchwood.

Really. And he perhaps has the greatest line in any movie… ever!

I want to see Captain Jack go up against a shark now. Let's see if he can survive being eaten by a shark. And whilst we're at it, make it a giant prehistoric shark. That would be an awesome show to watch.

So, it is Christmas Day here on Volcano Island, and the presents have been handed out and collected. The kids didn't really seem to enjoy it, as they are still only 18 months. They have a inkling of what the fuck is going on, as they were allowed to rip up shit and throw garbage everywhere unlike the usual days where they get in trouble for doing it, so I suppose that is something.

It is weird being a parent and being the one doing all the shit for Christmas, when as a kid, you are told to believe that this obese guy in a red suit does it all. I mean, fuck Santa. What fucking person came up with the concept of giving credit to a fictional character? I just spent $600 two days ago getting the last few presents I needed to get, and that isn't including the massive amount of toys I bought. I also need to set up a trampoline and a fucking bike.

I want some fucking credit for the work I did. I want my girlfriend to get the credit for all the work she put in for not only my kids, but her son as well, as well as the shit she did just to make the house Christmassy for all involved. She was up all night hanging lights and decorations up everywhere, so when the kids woke up the next day, she could tell them that Santa did it all whilst he was here dropping off presents!

Fuck Santa. Fuck him good in the ass.

So, the whole personal matters dealing with my children that I alluded to the other day is a big old custody battle thing. My ex keeps taking little shots at me via her Facebook page, and has been going around telling people that i'm being mean to her and not letting her see the kids and so forth.

These are the facts:

1. My ex left to go to the US a few weeks ago, and I assume she paid for the trip with money that she receives for majority custody of our children (which I have records of, that she doesn't, I do), which are specifically to help pay for the childrens welfare, not so she can get her hole filled.
2. Her house is an absolute mess which I have photos and video of, and so do the police and so do DoCS. The house is filled with rat shit (including their beds), the mice living inside the house have made nests everywhere, there is rotten food all over the place, coffee cups FULL of cigarette butts and to top it all off, the garage is filled almost top to bottom with rubbish.
3. Whilst she was gone on her hole-filling trip, she managed to spare a whole $120 to help feed the kids, and buy other essential items. And that was only after I made sure to pressure her.
4. After retrieving my personal belongings from the house which I had left there from the time we had split up, I took the baby cots and a computer we bought together after the children were born which I have a receipt for in my name (this is a major plot point in this story), mainly due to the fact that she owes me about $1100 now.
5. Whilst I was getting my things, a neighbour called the police to tell them that the caretaker of the house is not there and that people are taking things out of the house. When the police came, the Senior Constable was a friend of my fathers, who went inside the house, almost gagged and decided to take photos of the inside and make a report to DoCS themselves.
6. She returned a week earlier than expected, i'm assuming because she wanted to clean the house of all the refuse that had piled up… good luck with that.
7. Oh, there is now NO POWER in the house whatsoever.
8. Since returning from her trip, she has made the effort to come and see the children once. I'm not stopping her from seeing the children, but she isn't taking them. I won't let them go back to a house like that.
9. Since returning from her trip, she has made the effort to call about the children twice. Every other time she has called has been about the computer I took. That seems to be all she really cares about, as she went and got a 'Notice of Demand' from the courthouse to hand to me (which you aren't supposed to hand in person, you either do it by mail or through the police), which is pointless as I have a receipt for it, clearly in my name. It listed a number of other things, half of which I didn't even take, which shows that she hadn't even bothered to go to the house herself.
10. I assume that she is trying desperately to get the computer back so I don't do anything with the number of photos that inhabit a folder called 'Naughty'. The ones of her spreading her pussy wide open are especially bad.
11. And finally, I have a plastic bag of dead rats that had previously made it's home on top of her computer table. That is where my father found this bag. DoCS really didn't like it when I took that into their offices.

So yeah, once more… if I don't seem to be posting much in the next month or two, this is the reason why. Just thought i'd like to clear that up for anyone that may come to this site on occasion and may enjoy reading my boring shit.

Soida!

I have just spotted a 'Top 14 Fake Movies from Real Movies' list over at filmcritic.com. You know, movies that the filmmakers come up with for characters in the movie or television show to see that don't actually exist in real life. An example would be the Space Mutant movies from the early seasons of 'The Simpsons'.

Anyway, I immediately went through it to spot if a certain movie made the list. Which it didn't. How could you do a list like this without listing 'The Night The Reindeer Died' from the immortal Christmas tale, Scrooged?

UPDATE: At this point in the original post, you could watch the fake trailer for this movie. But it has been taken down from YouTube and I cannot find a different copy. Once I do, I will put it back up here.

How the hell did that not make the list? It has everything:

1. Santa.
2. Elves.
3. Terrorists attacking Santa's workshop at the North Pole.
4. Lee Majors (the Six Million Dollar Man!)
5. Lee Majors blowing terrorists away with a mini-gun!

What the fuck were the people who wrote that article for filmcritic on? How could you be working for a site like that, and not list this classic fake movie from one of the better christmas movies of the last few decades, starring Bill Murray who was in his critical and box office prime at the time?

It's fucking bizarre.

My brother was in town the other week, and I showed him a large array of weird shit I had managed to find online and elsewhere, whilst he showed me what he had managed to find online and elsewhere. It is this thing we do, as we have similar senses of humour and both have the ability to find some weird shit.

For example, my previous post about the greatest movie ever made, Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus? Little did I realise who the leading lady was in the movie until my brother pointed it out to me when I showed him the trailer.

Debbie 'fucking' Gibson!  For those that have no idea who that is, she was a teen pop-star in the 1980's around the same time as Tiffany and Debbie Debb. She did nothing after the 80's ended, until Tiffany decided to get naked for Playboy in the 2000's… and so Debbie Gibson followed suit, and got naked for Playboy a few years later. (link to both, wooh)

My god! This movie is even more awesome than I originally conceived!

Hey, i'm back with another edition of 'Worst Porn I Can Find Today'… and this one is just a treat. This video has all the ingredients for a video you just cannot imagine being made.

The entire fact that this video is an amateur video, makes it go to another whole level, because you realise that the girl in the video isn't getting paid to do this. Do what? After the jump where we go NSFW.

Read More?

I didn't really need to look that far for something weird today. Just did a quick search over at Cliphunter once again, using the term 'Halloween', in honour of the American holiday which has only just recently passed.

I originally put in the term 'horror', but that was surprisingly lame in it's results. Okay, let's go to the jump, because it is NSFW.

Read More?

I told you i'd find something worse than the entry from the other day, and holy shit did I find a worse entry. The video I have for you today is a bit different I must say. I was searching for something else that I had remembered spotting previously, but found this instead.

Now, this one doesn't embed, so I am providing a screenshot and a link to the page holding the video. Both are provided, after the jump and I must say it is probably NSFW.

Read More?